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 Post subject: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:31 am 
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Location: Pensacola, Florida USA
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Squabbles and domestic blisters here at home on Labor Day weekend:

My uncle from North Carolina came to visit on Wednesday. He usually stays for a week or more.

Things started out all right. Right away, he and Dad launch into their stories of the Marine Corps glory days in Korea and Vietnam, board games of cribbage, and a DVD marathon of war films. My uncle, being in his 80's and a grandfather many times over, is usually a dapper, chipper old guy.

But on this trip... nothing I could say or do ever pleased him. Next morning after he arrived, he railed at me for wearing my bathrobe into the kitchen at breakfast time (like I always do,) forcing me to go back in my room and change to full dress code. Then he says my using a small fan to clear away the cigarette smoke is an insult, and makes me leave the kitchen, as he puffs his Cuban stogie.

This goes on for several hours. I've got work to do, getting my Labor Day show ready for the weekend, but I have to sneak around the house like a cockroach to get it all done, while he parades around like a king.

The final blow came at laundry time in the evening. All day long, Mom and Dad's laundry is being done in the morning. In the afternoon, our handyman is doing his laundry. So my only time to do my laundry comes at night. And wouldn't you know... I get the load size wrong. What I thought was one load in one normal basket, was 3 loads in one BIG basket. I empty the WHOLE LOAD in, and add detergent and softener.

An hour later, my Dad rips into me for overloading the washing machine! Here I am listening to Dad read me up one side and down the other, and minding the mess in the laundry room. I bolt off for the laundry room and start sorting through the massive load, and start putting it in the dryer. My uncle comes stomping in and starts making a Federal case out of me, accusing me of disrespecting my father! I try to tune it out and concentrate on my work, but he pushes harder and harder, pointing like a father talking to his 14-year-old, and rubbing my nose into the problem.

I couldn't take it anymore. I huffed and puffed and said:

GET OFF MY CASE !!!

And I shoved him aside and bolted out the front door! Then I turned back and screamed:

YOU'VE BEEN ON MY CASE ALL DAY !! KNOCK IT OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE !!!

And all the while, Dad is sitting in his recliner, screaming his head off:

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

...as he stubbornly tries to watch the 10:00 news----like he does every single night without fail.


That is pretty much where the evening ended. No compromises. Some re-negotiations but to no avail.
You can't reason with a stubborn old goat who sees only your father's side of life, and not yours. Their glory days are the only ones that matter. Not you, John Q. Citizen.

But this is not the barracks. You can't force a citizen (civilian) to agree with you, simply by rank. Nobody respects a bully, least of all right in their own home.

I told him to drop the Great Santini act, then stomped off to bed. This is my country, too. I have rights.


That's the first time I was ever truly ashamed of my father and my uncle. And maybe the last time I'd ever speak to them again.


***


Needless to say, looks like I'll be looking for a room of my own, soon. But I still can't move out to another town or state and start another life. My work is here. My long-term health plan is here, on a policy my Dad bought. My auto-finance plan is here, again, on a plan Dad bought. My credit card is partly in my Dad's name. That how it's been fixed. I'm a dependent, not an independent, and all just to save on rates.

And this is what it's come to. 20 years of dependent living at home with my parents, instead of independent living like a normal person.

So... now I stand on the brink of being thrown out on my ear, and maybe even forced to close down my music business and sell all I have for rent money, just to "teach me a lesson in respect for my elders," all because I lost my temper in a fight over dirty laundry, with a loudmouth uncle who didn't know when to quit.

"Honor thy Father and Thy Mother..." (Old Testament, Exodus: 20, 12)

Apparently he forgot about this one:

Ye Fathers, arouse not your children to wrath..." (New Testament, Ephesians: 6, 4)

Maybe it'll all work out for the best. Maybe we're all not as really angry as we sounded.
I don't know. I'm just working through it, one hour at a time...


Don't know how I'm going to get through this weekend.

Need prayers, please. Lots of them. I'm already down on my knees. :oops:

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I used to work at the Poly Resort in Walt Disney World, Orlando. My favorite Ranger is Gadget. (big surprise.) I've written and recorded my own original songs, mostly about tourist attractions in Northwest Florida. And nothing says Pensacola quite like the US Navy Blue Angels buzzing low over your own house!


Last edited by PensacolaRanger on Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 5:18 am 
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Quote:
"Honor thy Father and Thy Mother..." (Old Testament, Exodus: 20, 12)


Honor is defined as: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor.

I'm merely on the outside looking in, but It looks like you maintained your integrity. You were honest with your feelings, even if you didn't convey them with great tact. Perhaps your father feels wronged, but I believe only you can decide if your actions were disgraceful. It is not up to your parents to decide whether your actions were dishonorable or not, because honor is maintaining your own moral code, not theirs.

If you were to ask me, I would say you did nothing wrong.

/My two cents

Anyway, I hope you are able to resolve the issue without being kicked out of your home. Good luck.


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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 5:52 am 
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-- removed, well just because. --

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Last edited by Robert A. Iger on Sat Sep 05, 2009 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 11:49 am 
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I'll be praying that these matters are resolved for the best.

Have faith that God knows what he's doing in allowing circumstances to unfold as they have.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:29 pm 
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I'm sorry about your troubles PR, and I pray that things will get better for you soon. ModernTimes is right, though. It sounds to me like you did all you could to avoid such a confrontation, and your uncle showed no class by coming to your home and acting in such a disrespectful manner. It is unfortunate that your father acted the way he did.

This comes from yet another outsider, but maybe it would be a good idea to at least begin to look at the possibility of moving out. Being independent isn't easy, but it also (in my experience) can let you form a better relationship with your folks as an equal rather than a dependent.

Once again, I hope that things get better soon.

Later,

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:45 pm 
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Everybody fights w/ their family sometimes and I don't believe there is a one of here who hasn't lashed out at them at one point or another. But your family is always going to be a part of you and eventually, it will be up to you whether to forgive them from whatever flaws they have and move on. In the meantime, I would suggest staying at a hotel for the rest of the weekend. If you can't do that, crash at a friend's house until things cool down. Good luck in finding another place. You can do it.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 3:04 pm 
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Laney has the right idea, I think. But we're praying over it nonetheless.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 5:24 pm 
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Well, it's obvious that this didn't start yesterday.

We pray for the peace of God to be there for you and your family, and for wisdom to deal with all that needs dealing with. Amen.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 8:50 pm 
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Got it

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:39 pm 
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I hope everything works out :D

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 1:48 pm 
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Sounds tough. :c-sad: I hope that things will turn out all right for you.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 11:42 am 
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Hope it isn't the sign of Altzheimer taking its grip on your uncle. I'll be praying for ya.

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:47 pm 
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Location: Pensacola, Florida USA
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Thanks, guys.

Sorry for being out of touch all week. Things got so busy with Labor Day shows, rest home birthday shows, and a 9/11 Tribute show. That, and I've had to replace a busted mouse and faulty phoneline chord on my computer.

So... basically, (and if my connection holds) here's how things went:

I decided to invoke my civil rights. I wrote out a 3-page letter of grievance to my Dad and uncle, and posted it on my bedroom door. But... they wouldn't read it. I tried printing out 2 hard copies and placed them on the Main Living Room coffee table. Again, no luck. I tried posting the letter to their e-mailboxes. (They would have to use their computers sooner or later.) Still no luck. It seemed they just assumed I was being overdramatic, and chose to ignore me.

So I invoked another civil right. I went on strike.

Fearful of losing the only home I've known for the last 20 years, but still angry and my Dad and uncle for the laundry fight, I spent all day Saturday, September 5th, attending to my show schedule and shopping for small groceries and other things I needed at home. I also dined out at the local Waffle Houses for breakfast, lunch and dinner, sipping coffee and using their bathrooms when I had to. My cell phone rang several times, but I refused to answer. I checked for text messages, read each one, but didn't respond. I could hold out as long as they could. They taught me everything I know-------including how to be stubborn. And about standing up for what I believe in.

So as the afternoon grew late, and I had chewed through all the possibilities I could think of, I picked up the cell phone and called the one person left I knew I could count on to answer without yelling at me or starting another fight: Our housekeeper (and Alzheimer's caregiver for Mom) Beth.

Good ol' Beth. Truck driver's wife, grandmother twice over, devout church lady (I forget exactly which denomination: Baptist or Methodist) and former singing partner of mine. Patient, longsuffering, and humble to a fault, Beth has long been a civilizing influence on the rest of the family. And now, I needed her to be my negotiator. I knew Dad and the others trusted her, and would listen to her if not me. So I explained the situation to her and asked the favor. A long drawn out (sometimes heated) conversation followed, but eventually she agreed.

With that settled, I instructed her to tell my Dad and uncle, that if I were to agree to come back home that night, and go back to living in their house, under their rules, like a good responsible son or nephew should, this time it would come at a price. My one condition: that they read the blasted letter, and consider every word of it. If they wouldn't do that, I would have nothing more to say to them. I'd had enough. If necessary, I would check into whatever motel had a canceled room open for the night, and after the holiday passed, start looking for someplace else to live. Some small apartment maybe, for a month or two. (I can't afford much else.) They were my elders, yes. I had to respect them. But after that fight, I was through with not being respected in return. :evil:

Night came, and I had more work to do. I was helping out with a special UFO alien-themed summer trolley tour on Saturday nights, and this was the last one for the season. Afterwards, I checked my phone one more time. There was a text from Beth. She said everything was fine, it was okay for me to come on home, and that I didn't have to worry about my Dad and uncle pushing me around anymore.

I think I heaved a sigh strong enough to blow a catamaran across Pensacola Bay.

But I had little time to rest that night. The next Sunday morning I had to rise early and run out to meet a film crew coming into town to shoot scenes at the Milton Riverwalk. (I'll explain the details of that in a later post.)

For the rest of the holiday, things at home were pretty much touch-and-go. My dad and uncle never admitted to doing anything wrong, nor did they openly apologize to me for the fight, (figures... :? ) but their tone around me was quieter, and I did come back to eating dinner at the kitchen table with them. Generally we just went back to the way things were, and never spoke of the matter again. My uncle stayed through Labor Day Monday, then headed back to North Carolina early Tuesday morning.

But I couldn't help noticing, this time, that even Dad was glad to see him go. Not his usual custom, considering how close he and my uncle had been all these years. Alzheimer's? Dimensia? Senility? I couldn't tell, and Dad wouldn't say. If something was genuinely wrong with my uncle this time around, no one wanted to say what it was. I guess I'll find out the truth around Christmastime.

SO... in the words of the late Walter Cronkite: "...that's the way it is." I've still got my room, and a roof over my head. I placed a hand on the crucifix on my wall, and gave thanks. I'll have to thank Beth, too, next time she comes in to clean and feed Mom.

Still, things came awfully close. From this experience alone, I can tell the day's not long coming when I will eventually have to make a permanent move-out. I'm not getting the house after Mom and Dad pass away; the bank is. I could never afford to take over the mortgage payments, not on my limited income.

Thanks for the prayers, folks. But please, keep a few more coming where my future is concerned. I've an awful feeling things are only going to get tougher for me in the years ahead. I'm not a kid fresh out of college anymore. Still, I never got the chance to grow fully independent, like some of the rest of you have.

So in that respect, I'm still an overgrown college kid who never got the chance to strike out on his own and seek his fortune. I tried doing that down at Disney World (like I've said so many times before) but tragedy down there has put my home life on hold ever since.

All this and more I explained to Dad and my uncle in the grievance letter. If you want, I can post that next right here-----after I go back through it and remove all personal names and references. I need to maintain some anonymity, for family sake. :oops:

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I used to work at the Poly Resort in Walt Disney World, Orlando. My favorite Ranger is Gadget. (big surprise.) I've written and recorded my own original songs, mostly about tourist attractions in Northwest Florida. And nothing says Pensacola quite like the US Navy Blue Angels buzzing low over your own house!


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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 3:30 am 
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Good to hear the issue got resolved. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Prayer request (my turn...)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 3:57 am 
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If you want some solid golden advice from me: listen to every word this Beth person says, even if that means you have to make a sacrifice. She seems like a very wise woman and a voice of reason.

Also, letters don't tend to work the way you want.

But to be honest, I think you should rethink your life in some respects. See, I have had some career disasters too, like being involved twice in a massive layoff. Key to overcome these kind of pitfalls is to keep moving and not stand still and reminisce about how bad your life is. Be your own man, because in the end there is no-one else you can count on.

To quote the great Teddy Roosevelt in his speech "The Strenuous Life":

"If we stand idly by, if we seek merely swollen, slothful ease and ignoble peace, if we shrink from the hard contests where men must win at hazard of their lives and at the risk of all they hold dear, then the bolder and stronger peoples will pass us by, and will win for themselves the domination of the world."

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